Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?
Hysterical hoplophobe: (hysterically) I’m at the coffee shop and there are people here with guns!!!
Dispatcher: Calm down. Is the business being robbed?
Hysterical hoplophobe: (voice shaking) Well, noooo!
Dispatcher: Is anyone being threatened?
Hysterical hoplophobe: (voice shaking) Um, noooo!
Dispatcher: Does there appear to any immediate danger?
Hysterical hoplophobe: (voice shaking) Uh…. noooo!
Dispatcher: And what are the people doing?
Hysterical hoplophobe: Well…. um…. they’re drinking coffee…. and, um…. eating Danish…. BUT THEY HAVE GUNS!!!
Dispatcher: Where are the guns?
Hysterical hoplophobe: (voice shaking) Well, um, it appears the majority of them are in Blackhawk Serpa Level II retention holsters…. Um, I see a number of IWBs….. (voice shaking), I’m pretty sure I see at least one high-ride pancake holster…. One lunatic in a camo hat has a drop-leg thigh holster with a Glock in it…. and he has patriotic tattoos!
Dispatcher: Is anyone acting aggressively?
Hysterical hoplophobe: (voice shaking) Well, um a guy reached in front of me for two packets of Splenda and didn’t say excuse me…!
Dispatcher: Sweet Jesus, leave the structure now, we’ll employ a drone strike.